Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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