watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
