chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
