ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
