On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
