She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
