somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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