she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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