sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I didn't shave. On purpose
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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