Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
