Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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