i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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