Plan B is the new Plan A
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
