i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
