if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
