oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
