We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
