Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
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This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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