hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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