I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
