No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
