my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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