I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
