I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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