i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
