I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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