On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........