The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
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Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.