Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.