the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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