Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
