Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
