Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
