we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
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I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
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Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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