Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
