My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
