You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
