im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
