i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
