Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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