It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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