The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
