Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
