i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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