I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
