New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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