Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
