i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
