You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
