Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
