They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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