so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
