yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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