My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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