I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
