I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
