Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
