His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
