his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
