a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
