Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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