the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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