if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
