A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
