it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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