fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
