I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
